The thing is… Okay. Here’s the thing. It’s not that I miss smoking, because I don’t. Not really, anyway.

Smoking has kind of always been fascinating to me in that cigarettes smell terrible, they taste even worse, they cost about a dollar less than minimum wage for a pack, they’re totally going to kill you, you can’t even smoke in all the places worth smoking in anymore (bars, libraries, hair salons, movie theaters, and other places that invoke feelings of existential ennui) — and yet, nearly a quarter of Americans are all about their cigarettes. Seriously. If that’s not product loyalty, I don’t know what is.

As a former pack-a-day smoker, I don’t think I was ever really sold on cigarettes themselves, but more the concept of them. I mean, as an example, here’s what cigarettes can do for your social life:

- Body language is a huge factor of face-to-face communication. Unfortunately, most of us have terrible posture, nervous tics, and ridiculous hand gestures that we wrongfully believe add charm and character. The amazing thing is that when you put a cigarette in someone’s hand, they have something to fiddle with, and they no longer look like a stone cold bitch/stereotypical Italian/Nicholas Cage in Matchstick Men.

- Another huge factor of face-to-face communication is the fact that there is no delete key, so everything you say is both the rough and final draft. But sometimes — sometimes — we say things that we really shouldn’t say. Wouldn’t it be great if you could just think about what you’re about to totally regret saying for five seconds before you actually say it? Insert cigarette into mouth. Inhale. Exhale. Remain silent. Appear introspective. It’s genius, really.

- Unless you’re really funny or devastatingly handsome, it can sometimes be difficult to break into social circles. New school? New job? New bar? New apartment complex? You can’t exactly invite yourself to some other group’s lunch date, but you can stalk them during their smoke break. Having a cigarette in your hand is kind of like having a VIP card — everyone knows you belong to the club without you even having to say anything. In fact, you can pass off your need for a date to your ex-boyfriend’s wedding as the need for someone to make small talk with while you get cancer together, and before you know it, you’ve got your own wedding to plan. If Paris Hilton smoked, even she probably wouldn’t have needed a television show to find someone who could tolerate her.

- Hot musicians always smoke. In fact, I’m pretty sure that most musicians actually don’t want to be professional musicians, but rather professional smokers and tequila taste testers. The only catch is that those things are only socially acceptable if they know how to play guitar. Anyway, as a smoker, you will always have a lighter on you, which is perfect if you live in a thriving metropolis and happen to be around when a hot musician stops through on his tour and needs a light. Do you know who is going to be there for him in his time of need? Do you?

I’m just saying.