I’m not exactly sure how to say this, so I’m just going to say it: I am your best bet at happily ever after. No, I don’t mean that you should marry me. I mean that without me, your love life is probably doomed. No big deal.

Here’s the truth: My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years, so I think that means I am probably more qualified than your couples therapist or best friend or mom to tell you what’s best for your relationship or dating arrangement. It doesn’t really matter that I don’t know your specific situation, because as much as you want to believe that your relationship is an exceptional wonder of the cosmos, all relationships are essentially the same.

You might think that your therapist is a more informed and reliable candidate for this position, but the only real difference is that your therapist has read and produced more boring research than I have. In fact, the majority of this “research” was based on surveys and interviews. Think back to the last survey you filled out — if you go to the bar three times a week, it doesn’t mean that you are a “social drinker” just because a bunch of people happen to be present every time you black out. But that’s certainly what you said on your survey, didn’t you? The same applies to your last interview — your biggest shortcoming is that you’re too patient? Really? Your therapist’s opinion is based on the analysis of a collection of exaggerations and omissions. Is that really the person who you want navigating you through these taxing and tumultuous years?

As far as your best friend being a good source of advice, here’s a protip: Friends are the worst source of advice. Your friend falls into one of three categories: Single, Dating/Engaged, or Married, all of which mean that she is plotting your failure. You might be thinking but…, and I know it’s hard to hear. Your newborn baby is the cutest baby in the world, you make the best pasta salad ever, your delivery of “that’s what she said” is always priceless, and your best friend totally gets you and would never do you wrong. Let me ask you this: Is your friend single, dating, engaged, or married? Then there are no exceptions. Also, you’re a little heavy-handed with the pepper.

If she’s single, the fact that you’re not is really starting to become a problem for her because going out to the bars alone is beginning to make her look desperate. If she’s dating someone she thinks is amazing (read: they have been together for 6 months or less) and you’re not, she is going to start telling you that otherwise undesirable bachelors are totally boyfriend material because she needs someone to split the cost of the beach house she has her eye on with, or she needs someone to analyze the behavior her boyfriend has been exhibiting and as long as you’re single, you just don’t get it.

However, if she is dating someone she still thinks is amazing after a year and you’re dating someone too, she will begin to start making comments that make you wonder, like “Hasn’t Ben been working late a lot lately?” or “He sure has a lot of female Facebook friends, doesn’t he?” with a sympathetic look. This is because she’s worried that you’ll get engaged before she does and then she will sabotage her current relationship by not-so-subtly demanding a ring of her own, and then she will be stuck in dating purgatory forever while you get to spend your parents’ savings on a party to celebrate your lifelong commitment to Ben, the Facebook-popular workaholic.

If she’s engaged, she will be under the impression that the only life that matters is hers, so she won’t be paying enough attention to your needs to give you any advice worth listening to. Any time you mention a problem, it may appear as though she is trying to come up with a solution for you, but she’s really looking for an opportunity to advertise how successful she is at mating, e.g., “Before I met Richard, I … but now, I …” She will also suddenly be above all the things she used to do and believe that every romantic cliché is now entirely applicable to her situation, e.g., “Why do people even worry about how long they wait until they call him back? When you know, you know, and it doesn’t matter when you call.”

And if she is married, she will be envious of the freedom you have and the mystery that awaits you, so she will begin justifying your boyfriend’s crappy behavior or, if you are single, she will become even more insistent that you just have to meet this guy (who she knows for a fact is a loser) so that you can join her in relationship hell.

And then there’s your mom. Your mom probably would have been your best bet 50 years ago, but times have changed and your mom has not. First of all, there’s a 75% chance that your mom is either divorced, separated, or really unsatisfied with her relationship. Is this the kind of person you want to mirror your life after? In the event that your mom escaped this statistic, it still doesn’t matter, because she will be giving you tips that worked when she was your age — which means they work on people her age. You have the rest of your life to marry a guy who has a refractory period that lasts as long as the lunar cycle! It’s just not necessary to get a jump start on senior living.

I think it’s clear who’s hired and who’s fired.

So now that we’re on the same page, e-mail all and any questions you have about dating and relationships to filleosophy@gmail.com and check back next week for the first edition of Relationship Advice: Because You Need It. Your identity will remain anonymous.