How can I make long-distance work?

Long-distance relationships are a lot like being single. Except you’re not allowed to hook up with anyone else. And you spend a lot of time talking about your relationship and secretly wondering if what you have is real because you don’t really get to see him. So it’s actually a lot like being a nun.

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship and I’ve seen Sister Act, so you’re in good hands. Despite what anyone else tells you, here’s how you need to play this:

Do not, under any circumstances, set routines.

None of this “I’ll call you on my ten minute break from class on Mondays and Wednesdays” or “Let’s Skype before bed every night.” Your boyfriend is not a vitamin and he does not need a schedule. Try some spontaneity! Sext that fool when he’s working (words only — let’s not get buck now, ladies). Plan a surprise visit. Screen his calls until Ellen is over. Call him because you have something to say, not out of habit. The second you become the “I have to call my boyfriend” girl, the second your relationship begins to wilt.

“But… routines provide stability.”

You have the rest of your life to be stable. Now is not the time to start rehearsing for life in 2030. Let’s put it this way: Are you more likely to get bored on an escalator or on a roller coaster? So is he.

Do not visit his Facebook.

If Facebook is a necessary form of communication in your relationship, it’s already over, so this better not be an actual sacrifice. Look, Facebook alone won’t ruin your relationship — your tendency to turn everything into a telenovela will ruin your relationship. You do not need to know the relationship status and approximate BMI of every girl who dares to talk to him. You do not need to decipher the song lyrics in his status to see if he’s as upset as you are about your last fight. Stalking him will only make you paranoid, paranoid people become insecure, and before you know it, you’re drunk dialing him at two in the morning saying, “Oh, sorry, did I interrupt your dream of Melissa?”

Trust me on this.

Do not let the main topic of conversation turn into any variation of “I hate this distance,” “I miss you,” or “This sucks.”

The biggest thing you have in common is that you miss each other. If it’s all you talk about, it will quickly become the only thing you have in common. And when you’re finally reunited and realize that you don’t know how to talk about anything other than how you can’t spend another minute apart — except now you’re actually face to face and has he always laughed like that? and you could really use a girls night — you’re going to have nothing in common.

AVOID THIS!!!

Take advantage of the fact that he actually has to talk to you and can’t just put on a movie while you’re kind of in the vicinity and consider it “quality time” together! Discuss the authenticity of some PostSecret secrets. Try to one-up each other with awkward childhood encounters. Watch the same movie and then debate over a totem (I don’t know, I still haven’t seen Inception). It really doesn’t matter — just don’t fall into the trap of only talking about your relationship in your relationship. Save that for The Therapy Years (don’t worry — they’re coming).

With these tips, a little common sense, and a guy who isn’t a complete douchebag, your LDR now has a slightly higher chance of survival. You’re welcome.

If you have a problem you need an expert’s opinion on, ask an expert. Otherwise, ask Filleosophy.