POSTED: August 16th, 2010
I woke up this morning and found myself surrounded by the aftermath of a homicide. Well, it looked just like what the aftermath of a homicide probably looks like. Fine — it kind of sort of vaguely resembled the aftermath of a homicide if you squint from a distance in dim lighting and try not to focus.
Honestly though, at first I was a little upset. I get the whole period thing, fine, whatever, you go, uterus, but mine really needs to start adding Miss Manners to its RSS reader because my period always comes in the middle of the night. It’s just not proper form and it really doesn’t do much in the way of nourishing our already fragile bond.
More importantly, do you know what else arrives for a “visit” in the middle of the night? Serial killers and burglars and rapists and demons. And you know what they say: You are the company that you keep and you are the company that follows a similar schedule. Or something like that, anyway. And look, I get it, not everyone gets a cubicle and a 9 to 5, but I just can’t get on board with something that would theoretically shoot pool with someone who wants to take my future plasma screen TV away from me. Seriously, how am I going to watch Project Runway? Have they no conscience?
In order to make myself feel better about this ordeal, I decided to pretend that my period was a reward after having an agonizing pregnancy scare, because the only people who feel better about ruining their non-recession-friendly-priced underwear are people who think there is probable cause to believe they may be with child.
So I sat up in bed, clasped a hand over my mouth, looked at my boyfriend, and was like, “Oh god. What did we do last night?”, hoping he would follow my lead. Instead, he said, “What do you mean?” So I tried again: “Last night. We didn’t — I mean, did we? No… we couldn’t have. We wouldn’t have. Unless we did. What do you remember?” I asked breathlessly. There, I thought. I gave him plenty to work with. I shot him a knowing look to be sure he knew what I was getting at. He rolled his eyes. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
Useless.
Forced to move on to the next best thing, I decided to draw upon my memories of other people’s pregnancy scares. In doing this, I realized something: I know a lot of people who have wrongfully believed themselves to be pregnant. In fact, for many of these people, recurring pregnancy scares are kind of just one of their things. Like, some people can’t drive — I mean, they can, they just shouldn’t. Some people color coordinate their outfits to the point where they look like a very deliberately designed shower curtain. Some people are always fifteen minutes late. The people I know get fake pregnant a lot. The thing is, though, none of these people actually have children now.
I think that this is worth remembering next time you’re recalling the night before and watching your youth flash before your eyes. Despite how much you think you should call up the waiter you met at The Melting Pot or your ex-boyfriend (whoops) or your boyfriend and casually ask him, “Hey, so, quick question — what do you think about children? Specifically — having them. More specifically, um, having them with me,” odds are that if it was just the one time, you’re probably not pregnant.
You can close the “unique but still pretty baby names” Google search you have open right now, postpone the “what does it all mean?” phone call to your mother, and skip the pregnancy test in the bathroom on your lunch break.
Instead, just give it a few days and don’t wear white. (That also doubles as general life and style advice.)
I used to get pregnancy scares all the time, which were most likely fed by my paranoia. That’s why I went on birth control.
Oh gosh, I’ve been through so many pregnancy scares that my period has completely disappeared off the face of the Earth. It’s gone. I’m not on birth control, but we do use protection.
I think it’s just the stress of school (along with the prego scares) punishing me or something.
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I used to be one of those pregnancy scare women. I know am content to simply just groan and complain when my period arrives instead of being thrilled it came at all. Of course, by the time I hit mid 30′s and I’m still spouseless and childless, I may feel a little bit different.
I’m sorry you got all bleedy in the night… I hate waking up wondering if I peed myself or if I just forgot I was eating soup when I went to sleep…( soup? Is that a good analogy? )
If I couldn’t feel myself ovulate every month I might be more scared; but since I experience that slight twinge that resembles someone lassoing my cervix and pulling hard a few days before the aunt comes to town I’m rarely nervous. Not everyone can feel it, I guess I’m lucky.
Just in case you wanted to know a little bit of hydrogen peroxide and some water can make those undies new again.
:)
I basically always think I’m pregnant, regardless of whether or not I’m having sex, or if I’m using BOTH pills and condoms, because in my head it’s pretty much the worst thing that could happen to me right now. There have been dry spells where I got bloated after eating too much and thought, “OMG – what if I got raped in my sleep and I’m having a crack baby.”
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I had loads of pregnancy scares a couple of years ago, my period just wouldn’t come. I peed on a lot of sticks. Result? Still no child. Phew.
Oh, and I totally agree that people should never wear white pants anyway.
My former roommate was one of those girls who had pregnancy “scares” all the time. They were so common I almost wished she would get knocked up just so I could go, “Finally, you stupid whore.” Sorry. I’m very bitter towards the ex-roomie. But not towards pregnancy scares. They are very scary indeed.
Great blog!
Pregnancy scares are the worst! I’ve never been one to panic enough to actually take a pregnancy test, but you’re definitely right about that being the only good thing about getting your period.
I’m just as irresponsible and ill-equipped as a 16 year old but I don’t think anyone would watch 24-and pregnant.
I get these fairly often. Except they are less like scares and more like wishful thinking.
I am definitely not ready for a baby in any way at all, so I can’t force the hubby to try for one in good conscience. I just hope in a weird way that I get one of those little surprises.
That might make me a little crazy. Maybe.
Pregnancy scares f’ing suck.
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- Norman
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