POSTED: August 18th, 2010
There are three things that I believe one should have on their person at all times.
The first thing is red lipstick. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually wearing it (although you should be), but just that you have it.
It’s great for when you walk past a mirror in fluorescent lighting and see what you really look like. Or when you realize you’re about to be in an impromptu photograph that will be uploaded to the Internet and live a long and healthy life in Google Cache for future dates and employers to access until the end of time. Or when you spot your ex and realize that you look haggard — duck around the corner, apply liberally, and then make an appearance. Now you’ll either look like you’re coming from or going somewhere important and running into him is just keeping you from the next stop on your fabulous agenda.
Red lipstick: Don’t leave home without it.
The second thing is a tiny notebook. A tiny notebook can’t erase itself like your smartphone can, so don’t try to substitute a wimpy portable hard drive for a tiny notebook. You need a tiny notebook to record all of your clever one-liners, future memoir titles, and deep thoughts. If you never think about any of those things, get a tiny notebook anyway and pull it out whenever you find yourself with a spare moment. You will begin to look thoughtful and wise, which will make you feel thoughtful and wise. And when you feel thoughtful and wise, it doesn’t even matter that all you managed to jot down was “To-Do: IDK, it’s on my iCal, lol?”, because feeling is being.
A tiny notebook: Big confidence in little places.
And, probably most importantly, your Bitchface. It’s important to understand exactly what your Bitchface should look like — too much and you’ll look like the product of unfortunate genetics. Too little and you’ll look like people should continue walking on you while you cycle through awkward expressions trying to convince them otherwise.
The best way to find your perfect Bitchface is to locate a mirror, squint your eyes slightly (as though you’re peering into the distance, not trying to enter a Taylor Swift lookalike competition), and let your lips settle into a natural pout. If your natural pout leaves something to be desired, give yourself an underbite. Yes, like that — perfect.
In one carefully calculated gaze, you should be able to convey the following word: “Don’t.” The Bitchface is essential for removing yourself from undesired social situations with just one look.
For visual learners, here’s some inspiration:
Now it’s time to take your Bitchface out for a test spin!
Level 1: The mall. Deliberately plan your route to circle around every kiosk in the place. At this point, your expression should be normal and relaxed. As you approach a kiosk, immediately switch to your Bitchface. If you are asked to try an e-cigarette or new skin care line, there’s still too much Pollyanna in your stride. Try again.
Level 2: Head to San Francisco. If you don’t live near San Francisco, find a way to get there. Don’t just walk — march — to Union Square. Pick a direction and walk a mile. If your find yourself being asked to look at “designer” merchandise or donate to a cause, you’re doing it wrong.
Level 3: Lastly, go to a bar. Alone. At this point in your trial run, even the bartender should wonder whether or not he should ask you if you want a drink, so make sure to get your money out as to appear like a regular customer. If someone were to snap a picture of you in this moment, the only adjectives it should inspire among viewers are “mean,” “cold,” and “scary.” You will not be approached.
You can now navigate your way through any situation in which other people will be present without having to actually deal with them. Awkward conversations on the subway? A thing of the past. Being manipulated into donating your paycheck to save a rare fox in a flyover state? Not anymore! Getting hit on? Never again.
The Bitchface: Human repellent for a more satisfying life experience.
I love this. I generally keep my sunglasses on while ON the subway (yes, underground), along with my Bitchface to avoid dealing with awkward eye contact. No. 2 also applies to the Union Square in NYC, and Times Square as well. The Bitchface is the only way I’ve found to not be mistaken for a tourist. (That, and keeping my earbuds in.)
I like to think I have a good bitchface, but it frequently inspires comments such as “why so mad?” or “would it hurt to smile?”, which I find almost as irritating as being approached in the ways you mention in your post. Is this an unfortunate side-effect or am I doing something wrong?
I love it! I’m pretty sure I perfected the bitchface before I had even left the womb. Being so short, I have to have a good one or else people think I’m little and cute and can be taken advantage of easily. Not true.
I must have a Niceface because people always ask me for directions, where I get my haircut or if I have time for gay rights! I will practice these tips diligently.
yes, yes and yes! i may have just practiced my bitchface while sitting at my desk at work ;)
I’ve mastered the art of the Sourface, but I shall use your method of the Bitchface.
Haha! I wear my bitchface at all times when I’m alone in public– I do NOT want to sign your petition or donate to your cause, so leave me alone!
I never wear lipstick, but perhaps I should invest in some? Red?
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I love this!
I’d like to think that I’ve been doing the bitchface fabulously since puberty. My main problem is becoming focused on some other task & going from bitchface to focused/confused/thoughtfulface.
I must practice more!
I’m writing down “remember red lipstick” and “forget how to look friendly” in my little notebook right now. RIGHT NOW.
I am just loving the little notebook idea.
I did the dark Ray-Bans, pocket reporter Moleskine, and oversized grandpa sweater topped off with a pout in public. However, it was because I was sketching some lame thing for class and thinking of life after college. Now, it’s just pouting indoors but I still wear the sunglasses. Must incorporate red lipstick into my life.
I love this post :D
My bitchface is practised to perfection, but I shall go out and buy red lipstick + tiny notebook at once!
I wish I had a bitchface…my face only comes in two modes: happy, and non-descript. I rarely look sad, except for my eyes. I can’t look angry, whenever I try to, my face looks merely thoughtful, or rested LOL. Its the only reason I shout and curse. Otherwise people would think I never had any range of emotion. I think Victoria Beckham’s face is like that all the time. Do you think she was born with the bitch face?
Oh and Edward Cullen? Priceless.
i’m so buying a tiny notebook.
Aha! So I am doing something right. It’s amazing how intimidating some people find red lipstick.
[...] appear happy, because people say I look ‘mad’ all the time, but that might just be my bitchface they’re getting confused with anger) 2. I want to feel good (I want to be stronger, [...]
The bitch face description is fucking spot-on perfection.
dad gamnit I still need to look meaner because I still have to feel guilty when people ask me to donate. dnw.
I still get people telling me to smile though those fuckers.
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