POSTED: August 21st, 2010
There’s a guy I really like and think I could be great with, but I suck at flirting. And should I put more of an effort into my appearance to make him notice me?
Here’s the thing: You need to assume that he’s already drooling over you, so unless you completely blow it by revealing your fifth-date level of crazy upfront, you’re golden.
This is because if he’s not drooling over you, then batting your eyelashes, giggling, playing with your hair, and simulating fellatio on your dessert isn’t going to suddenly make him fall in love. Even if you make a fool out of yourself, he was never going to call the number you left on the napkin anyway.
Bottom line: You have nothing to lose. At this point, your only duty is to convey the message “I like you” without actually saying “I like you,” because whoa. Revealing too much too soon leaves you with a box of tissues and anger management issues a week later. It’s on the Statue of Liberty.
The first thing you want to do is be yourself. I know — what? But really.
Next to no one actually acts like themselves when they meet someone new, and that’s why so many people get divorced. You know those couples that seem to have next to nothing in common and no one can figure out why they’re together and everybody is like, “What does he see in her?” or vice versa?
What he saw in her was the girl who spent two hours researching YouTube eyeliner tutorials before she did her make-up for their first date, told him it was “adorable” that you couldn’t see the floor of his car because of fast food remains and empty cigarette boxes, and claimed she didn’t mind when he called off their plans because a “Boys Night” “suddenly” “came up” “out of nowhere.” If you think any of that held up after three years, a joint cat adoption, and an ex who wouldn’t quit, think again.
What I’m trying to say is, don’t bother contouring your cheekbones or flat-ironing your hair if that isn’t something you normally do. I won’t lie — those things will make you more universally attractive — but if that isn’t you, then why would you want a guy who’s attracted to someone else? There are plenty of guys out there who don’t buy into that. I mean, if you live in Los Angeles, you might want to consider relocating to find those guys, but really. Plenty of them.
The next thing you want to do is lose your nervous body language. Seriously — drop it off on a park bench somewhere and never go back to get it. That means uncross your arms. It makes you look like a mom. (If you are a mom, you should really uncross your arms. It makes you look like one of those moms. And if you’re one of those moms, you’re just not going to be getting a date today. Unless it’s with one of those dads, in which case, good luck with that relationship.) Also, stop hitting the dude. I know that all the magazine writers got together and decided that the key to getting plans for Friday night was to playfully smack a bunch of guys and see which one took the bait, but it makes you look like a first-grader.
Now — and this is very important — you need to control the outcome of this whole exchange with your eyes. Your eyes are like a fucking magic wand! Neglecting to use them or using them improperly is like being an heiress and deciding you’re going to “make an honest living” by selling aluminum can sculptures on the boardwalk. Who does that, right? Your eyes. Use them.
There are three levels of eye contact — the glance (immediately followed by the look away), the creeper, and the temptress. You want to alternate between the glance-and-look and the temptress while avoiding the creeper (a flat-out stare), so pay attention. If you can get these down then it really doesn’t matter what you say, so I’m not going to cover any conversation topics, but here’s a tip: Save your best ones for the always-awkward date #1. Don’t use up your best material upfront — that’s like having Bob Dylan open for Justin Bieber.
The glance-and-look involves catching his eye and then quickly looking away, like you’re shy or something. As if. Since no one gets bashful making eye contact with a friend, this lets him know that he’s out of the friend zone or that you have an eye disorder — hence the temptress to seal the deal. Essentially, you want to maintain eye contact long enough for him to know it’s intentional without any words involved. Blink twice to break the hypnotizing effect, because otherwise you’ll have a stalker on your hands.
The last step is to chase your lunch with a strong cocktail, chase your cocktail with half a pack of Tic-Tacs, and then go chase him. If it all goes to shit, blame it on the alcohol.
If you have a problem you need an expert’s opinion on, ask an expert. Otherwise, ask Filleosophy.
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I do a lot of “accidental flirting”. Like going out to lunch and flashing a big smile when I see the person that I’m meeting with…behind some random guy who thinks I’m smiling at him. There’s been a lot of that.
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