POSTED: August 27th, 2010
It’s not easy to do things you’ve never done before — it starts with walking, continues with learning to accessorize and applying to college, tests your patience when you become convinced that Ikea left several key steps out of their instructions, and gets a little dicey around the time you realize the baby in your arms isn’t made of plastic, isn’t your cousin Betsy’s, and is relying on you to make sure it doesn’t die.
Luckily, there are things and people in place to aid us with taking on such tasks.
Our parents are there to hold our hands until we know it’s okay to let go. Our friends and the latest edition of Vogue let us know that skinny belts are on the way out, our guidance counselors help us see that rocking brassy highlights isn’t what the essay prompt meant by “overcoming adversity,” and there are hotlines for people who are challenged by particleboard. The parenting section of Barnes & Noble assures us that our baby doesn’t hate us, and our mothers inform us that we also dabbled in the art of feces fingerpainting and we turned out just fi– well, we turned out, didn’t we?
If you’re anything like me, however, you start to notice that there are things nobody really talks about. Things nobody can really help you with. Things that are kind of a big fucking deal. Like balancing what you’re supposed to do with balls with what you actually feel like doing with balls, how to recover from hitting “reply all” on an e-mail with less than favorable sentiments regarding half of the recipients, and, most importantly, your self-esteem.
My approach towards my self-esteem has always kind of been like, whatever. It’s like a grumpy drunken uncle who I deal with whenever I have to, but other than that, I sort of live my life pretending it doesn’t exist. So far, so good, right? The thing about self-esteem, though, is that you don’t actually notice there’s anything wrong with yours until you realize how much it has led you and your life down the pathetic path less traveled.
It begins easily enough: You talk yourself out of buying the dress you want because you’re convinced your boobs are too small or your stomach is too big or your hips are too wide. I mean, everyone feels that way at some point or another, so you justify your disgust by thinking it’s natural and basically acceptable to completely despise your reflection. A mini-meltdown in the dressing room over a piece of cotton is just the way you roll.
Later that night at the grocery store, you bump into the guy who sat next to you in your political science class two years ago who you always thought was cute and funny and adorable and insightful, but a little shy. You think about asking him if he wants to hang out sometime, but decide not to because he probably doesn’t feel the same way. I mean, why would he, right? Goodbye, almost future husband, you whisper as he walks away from you in the cereal aisle.
The following week at work, you discover that a colleague who performs the exact same tasks as you and has been with the company for less time has received a promotion. For a moment, you think about asking for a raise, but then quickly decide against it. You don’t want to seem pushy or ungrateful or annoying or jealous.
After work, you go out with your friends and one of them poses a moderately intellectual question. You think you know the answer, but you begin to wonder if you really know the answer, and so you bite your tongue to avoid embarrassment in the event that you’re wrong. A few moments later, someone else answers instead — with your answer — after Googling the information on their Blackberry.
This is the sort of shit that you’re used to. And you wonder why your life sucks.
It’s not easy to do things you’ve never done before — which is why this is going to be challenging — but it’s time to get real and call self-esteem what it really is: Self-doubt. There are three things that are good about self-doubt. Can you name them?
Trick fucking question! Nothing is good about self-doubt. Self-doubt cheats you out of a cute wardrobe, sabotages your opportunity lure eligible bachelors back to your pad, annoys your friends, causes unnecessary anxiety, and ensures that you will always be questioning your competence and crossing your fingers when you check your bank balance. Self-doubt is the only thing standing in the way of the life you deserve.
This is why you have to kill your self-doubt. Seriously — it needs to die.
Its weaknesses are compliments from other people (pay them if you have to — this is vital!), flattering lighting (public mirrors are public tears), convincing yourself that people who reject you just can’t handle all of that perfection (it’s not lying if it makes you feel better), and, if you’re taking notes, get out your highlighter: Simply not giving a fuck.
Say it with me: Fuck you, self-doubt. We’re fabulous. TTYN.
Thank you so much for this.
You know, my self-doubt almost stopped me from leaving you a comment (‘you are going to write that? She’ll think you’re ridiculous and that it adds nothing to her post! You’re the reason she didn’t want a comment section in the first place!’), but I’m just going to say it:
Amen, sister!
You got your point across with great humor. And I agree: self-doubt is a killer.
The easiest way to over come sec doubt is realizing that the most important opinion in the world is your own. If you like it, if it makes you feel good, if you think it’ll improve your life in general DO IT.
Life is to short to care what other people think. And since in the end it’s you weRing the dress and your paycheck isn’t it all about how you feel? No one else really matters a lot of the time. Realzining the full truth of that makes everything else cake.
Who doesn’t like cake.
Ceec, this is fucking awesome. Daresay, better than the Joan Didion essay “On Self-Respect” where she goes off on a pointless tangent about her pioneer relatives.
“Fuck you, self doubt. We’re fabulous.” Lovelovelovelovelove. Also–[title of show]‘s “Die Vampire Die” complements this perfectly.
I agree. It needs to die. Too bad, it’s easier said than done. :/
From the second you started writing about the meltdown over a piece of cotton in the dressing room I felt like I was reading about myself. Very nicely done. And you’re right, self doubt needs to take a hike. Now I just need to get the balls to tell it that.
agreed. i love this. :)
This is a great post. I can totally relate. It’s well written too. I’ve never been insecure, but the last three months or so I was feeling… kinda ugly. It was strange. I went from being very confident to feeling like I had the worlds worst acne, a flabby stomach, and ill fitting clothes.
After moping around pathetically for a couple weeks, picking at my face for hours and tugging at my shirt, I reevaluated some things (my poor diet and excessive touching of my face with greasy fingertips led to the acne, and just because I’m tall and generally slender, that DOESN’T mean I necessarily wear a size small) and now I’m happier than I’ve been in a LONG time with myself.
I got a haircut (and color), am touching my face almost NEVER, using some amazing new acne stuff, and bought a handful of new shirts- size Medium- which I feel attractive wearing- no adjusting required!
Why am I rambling? No idea. I’m terrible at leaving comments. I never know when I’m saying too much or not saying enough.
Whatever.
Your post was great. I’ll be coming back for sure. Your site is bookmarked. Now I’m off to read some more of your stuff.
(:
This is a great post! It’s going on my fridge. I went through a time where my self esteem hit negative numbers, and now I like having reminders so it never happens again!
Interesante, no va a continuar con este artнculo?
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