POSTED: September 3rd, 2010
I hate to break it to you, but dudes are shady. If you’re a heterosexual female looking for love, then you will run across (and hopefully over) a few of these plagues to the dating pool in your day, so proceed with caution. I’m not saying girls aren’t shady, because we totally are. But girls are shady like parasols and guys are shady like sassafras trees.
Sassafras trees provide more shade than parasols. Let “x” equal females, “y” equal males, “s” equal sassafras trees, and “p” equal parasols. If y = s and x = p and s > p, then guys are shadier than girls.
It’s basic math. If you have any complaints, you should probably take them up with whoever designed your middle school curriculum.
In any case, it doesn’t really matter who’s the shadiest shade who ever shaded unless that someone is your boyfriend. Sometimes it can be hard to tell, so let’s identify and deconstruct some shady behavior to figure out whether or not he’s sprouting leaves.
Shady behavior: He’s in a band.
Why it creates a questionable level of shade: The guitar probably isn’t the only thing he’s ever played. I’m just throwing it out there.
Shady behavior: He once told you “you’re not like other girls” like it was a compliment.
Why it creates a questionable level of shade: So if you’re not like a girl, then what are you? Oh, wait — that’s right!
Because what he means that other girls are way too emotional. I mean, who has time for feelings? I know I don’t! I personally prefer to express myself through healthier avenues, like violence and substance abuse.
Or maybe he means that they’re shallow. And really, they are! They’d be better off if they developed interests with more depth, like video games, sports, or cars.
Also, girls are super clingy. He said wanted to be your boyfriend, he didn’t say he would actually start answering your phone calls. And that’s really the thing about girls, isn’t it? They’re always asking for too much. If you ever read If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, you know who it’s really about.
Or maybe he doesn’t like how “slutty” girls are! This makes sense, because all the other girls he knew gave it up too fast. Total sluts, right? Except… someone else other than those girls were present for activities that night too. So by his logic…
But don’t worry, none of this matters! You’re not like them. The part he left out is that you’re not like them because you’re dating a shady hypocritical misogynist and they’re not.
Shady behavior: He has a password on his cell phone.
Why it creates a questionable level of shade:
In a written format, here are your choices: He’s a little too paranoid, which probably means your relationship is about to hit a rough patch soon anyway; he’s a drug dealer, which probably means you’re going to be telling people you’re doing “the long-distance thing” before too long; he’s a shady boyfriend, which probably means that last text he got from “It’s nobody!” is his other significant other; or he’s sitting pretty at some sort of hybrid of those three.
That’s it.
Those are the only people who password protect their phones.
Shady behavior: You haven’t met any of his friends.
Why it creates a questionable level of shade: No one is always out of town, always busy, or always sick, and the reason why they flaked on dinner is because they were never invited.
I know what you’re thinking. No, his friends Rob and Mary are the cutest couple and they would totally love me! Mary and I actually have the same alma mater, so I just know we’ll get along — go Bears! — but Rob has to… work… late… every… night… so… he’s… never… awake… during… the… day… and… Mary… well, it I mean, um, it’s this really weird story! First she got food poisoning, so of course she couldn’t come out, and then her grandma died, so… she couldn’t make it to the movie… and now… she’s… beenonvacationinShanghai… forthepastfourmonths.
Girl.
Shady behavior: He insists that it’s unnecessary to change his Facebook relationship status to “in a relationship” despite the fact that you’ve been official for six months.
Why it creates a questionable level of shade: Oh, I don’t know — call it a hunch.
Now go do some pruning.
The shade is chilly. Get out there and enjoy the sun.
reply by filleosophy:
September 3rd, 2010 at 3:14 pm
I really wanted to reply to this with something good, but I already used up my terrible puns. Rookie mistake.
Yuck, I dated someone who was sitting pretty as a hybrid of those three people! And he had a password protected phone!
Thanks for breaking it all down, sister!
holy yes! dudes in bands love you say ‘you’re not like other girls’ and unfortunately i have a weakness for them. but hindsight is 20/20 so i never keep them around for long. great list lady ;)
This is the best entry yet. It basically sums up what girls should already know, but are in constant denial of.
Love it, love it, love it.
Holy cow, if I read this entry about two years ago, I could somewhat relate. He used to be really shady, until we broke up for about a month. That drove him to actually change. Weird, I didn’t think anyone would want me that bad.
My boyfriend used to be in a “power-metal” band (talk about lame) and he played the bass (even lamer). His bandmates were a bunch of fat morons who smoke a lot of weed, and he was heading in that direction until I got him whipped.
reply by filleosophy:
September 4th, 2010 at 1:14 am
Hmm… actually, I think you might have been in the clear with a power metal band bassist. In fact, I’m willing to bet that it actually counteracted any legitimate shadiness that might have been going down.
haha, while i thoroughly enjoyed the post, it sounds like either you’ve had some terrible experiences, or you’re speaking to people who have little to no common sense when it comes to dating. guitar != manwhore. and password protected phone generally just means you own a phone in the 21st century… because just about every smartphone on the market, and even non-smartphones, come password protected these days. and to bring facebook into the mix? that just… shouldn’t even have to be said! unless, of course, it’s high school. in which case, i’m guessing that would be a big deal, maybe?
reply by filleosophy:
September 4th, 2010 at 1:24 am
This post is admittedly about 2% serious, but you’d be surprised what people overlook or make excuses for when the rose-tinted glasses are still on.
I LOVED THIS POST! :) I loved the little venn-diagram-whatcha-call-it about password protected phones! You are spot on with this shady business! Love it! Keep it coming!
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Oh my gosh i laughed my head off reading this and it’s so true! Love the password diagram. You are hilarious. I think you may like my blog it’s about similar topics to this…
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omg how many girls do I know with the Facebook relationship status problem? HELLO
LOL My ex bf has a password protect thing on his phone. Perhaps he was shadier than I thought….I always wondered why he felt he needed that.
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