POSTED: September 28th, 2010
Hey. Hey.
Look. We know you fucked up. You know you fucked up. But here’s the thing. We don’t know that you know you fucked up. See the difference? It’s big. Huge. Like cell phones in 90s movies.
That’s what apologies are there for. They don’t erase the fact that you are slowly writing yourself out of our will, but they do make us less likely to stick you at the table with our mom’s Jazzercise buddies without the luxury of a +1 at our wedding reception, should we even decide to waste printer ink on you at this point.
And by the way, when you do apologize, you suck at it. Take a minute to recall your last apology. And the one before that. Probably the one before that too. Those apologies? All bad. And sometimes a bad apology is worse than no apology at all because at first, we only thought you were being an asshole. That smorgasbord of bullshit you just tried to pass off as an apology kind of gave us the push we needed to see that you are an asshole.
Do any of these sound familiar?
It’s your problem. I’m sorry you have that problem. Can I go now?
“I’m sorry that you were offended when I ditched you” is not the same as saying “I am sorry that I ditched you.” Here’s what it is the same as saying: “You got ditched and your feelings got hurt. Sorry you’re so sensitive. I’m an asshole.”
I was drunk.
“I was super wasted when I said that you looked like a Neanderthal” means “I was super wasted when I said that you looked like a Neanderthal. When I’m sober, I know to wait until you leave the room to express my opinion on your make-up preferences. Also, I’m an asshole.”
I am drunk.
“Shhhhhhh, I need to talk to you! COME HERE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, LOUD? Look… it’s just… I’m so sorry… do you hate me? Do you? Everyone hates me… I’m such a bad person… why am I such a bad person? I’m sorry. Ugh, I always do this! Does anyone have any cigarettes?” means “I’m an asshole.”
I’m a victim too! Victim buddies!
“I’m sorry that I was a jerk… it’s just that I’ve been having a really bad week because my horse died and I lost my job at Office Depot and I have a yeast infection. So… like… you understand, right?” means “Can we all just take five and feel bad for me? You too, of course, but I mean, I’ve stared suffering in the face without so much as blinking. Probably because I’m an asshole.”
Watch as I try to justify my actions by using the word “but” instead of actually apologizing!
“I’m sorry I punched you in the face, but you were really being obnoxious” means “I’m under the impression that socially speaking, I should be apologizing, but if we’re being real, you deserved it. P.S. I’m a fucking asshole.”
That thing I did.
“I’m sorry about last Friday” means “Not only am I vague and insincere, but I’m also an asshole! It’s a new promotional deal. Something about MTV’s newest reality show.”
Girls go apeshit over flowers, right?
Flowers are a decorative statement, not a neutralizing agent. Don’t expect that everything will be fine and dandy a dozen rainbow roses later unless you’re an asshole.
Confused? Those apologies are all bad. DON’T DO THOSE.
To apologize correctly, find us privately. In case you’re unsure, a text message is not “finding us privately.” Start off by telling us that you’ve been feeling terrible, you couldn’t sleep last night, you’ve been feeling sick all day, or you don’t know how you can go on (adjust accordingly depending on the offense) because you’re devastated (keyword: DEVASTATED) by what an asshole you were. Then say you’re sorry. To be clear, in the land of Forgiveness, “I’m sorry” is not a sentence. “I’m sorry that I (insert terrible thing that you did here and nothing else so help you God)” is acceptable. Now, tell us how great we are. (“You’re great” is not the response we’re looking for.) Lastly, assure us that if we give you another chance/let you make it up to us/forgive you, that it will never happen again. Now, don’t let it happen again.
So please. Apologize and apologize right. At least to me, because I’m going to have unicorn rides and a martini bar at my wedding. Bounce house pending. Regardless, you’ll want to be there.
“I’m sorry about last Friday” to me means I got really drunk and danced on your coffee table then ate all the food in your fridge before passing out underneath said coffee table. I am that asshole sometimes.
wow. i just learned that i am, in fact, an asshole.
thanks.
The first one is how I apologize to people when I’m trying to be a smartass and not really sorry, haha. That was mostly used on my parents in the context of: “I’m sorry you thought I was being a smart aleck. It’s not my fault you took it that way.” which really meant “Please don’t ground me from going to the movies with my friends Friday night. (and I really was being a smartass, oops)”
“Flowers are a decorative statement, not a neutralizing agent. Don’t expect that everything will be fine and dandy a dozen rainbow roses later unless you’re an asshole.”
YES! If my husband gets me flowers one more time as a peace treaty, I’m going to punch a wall.
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My personal favorite has always been “Well, I’m sorry, but I didn’t know (insert hurtful action/words here) would hurt your feelings. I guess I’m just an asshole” which means “Forget about what I just did, you should now feel really bad for even suggesting that I’m an asshole.”
I am so tempted to send this to my ex as a not-so-subtle hint.
“There’s no worst feeling than that moment in an argument when you suddenly realize that you’re wrong.”
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I wish I could send this post to those morons I was once friends with. I had to do the apologizing even when I didn’t do anything wrong and for Christ’s sake, I apologized appropriately. Not once did I get an apology from them.
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