POSTED: October 2nd, 2010
I can trace all of my problems back to a television show I watched during my wonder years called Unsolved Mysteries.
For those who don’t know, Unsolved Mysteries was a show hosted by Robert Stack that ran from 1987 to 2002, presumably peaking in the 90s (because that’s when I watched it and I believe that I have superior taste). The show consisted of a documentary-style portrayal of crimes, paranormal phenomena, and conspiracy theories. It was basically like a horror movie. A horror movie that really happened.
The underlying issue here is that my parents should have done a better job policing my television usage.
Speaking of parents, the thing about today’s generation is that they have it so easy when it comes to calling parents on their perpetual bullshit. These kids have Google! When you have Google, you almost literally have everything. My five-year-old half-sister has a fucking Netbook. If she weren’t so busy replaying Justin Bieber music videos on YouTube, she could easily figure out that my dad lies to her about almost everything.
When I was five, I didn’t have Google. I had a computer on which I wrote untitled and unremarkable short stories and played Ski Free and I was set. So when my mom told me that the reason why Robert Stack hosted the show was because his own daughter was kidnapped because she didn’t eat her vegetables at dinner and was never found, I had to believe her. And I mean, I give my mom a break, because I was her first kid. I’m pretty sure she could have come up with a better motivational strategy than fucking abduction, but I’ve learned to let things go.
Sort of.
Not really.
I really feel like my siblings owe me something for taking a lot for the team.
Anyway, back to Unsolved Mysteries, hosted by a man whose daughter was apparently torn from his life for neglecting asparagus.
One day, I turned on the television and decided to watch an episode. This particular episode featured a man in California. I lived in California. I should have stopped watching. I didn’t. This particular man was at a gas station when he noticed another man at the gas station watching him. He was a little weirded out, so he got into his car and left. That’s when he noticed the man at the gas station had gotten into his car and was following him. Ooookay. The man started driving home, but he basically lived in the middle of nowhere down a road where no one ever goes, so when he noticed the man was still following him, he drove past his house. The man behind him stopped at his house. So the man went back to the gas station and called the police, but by the time the police arrived at his house, it was too late. His mother, who had been sleeping at home, had been stabbed in the chest forty-six times. Seriously.
And that’s when the scene changed to a police sketch accompanied by a voiceover: This man is still at large and is considered armed and extremely dangerous. If you or anyone you know has any information about the whereabouts of this man, please contact your local authorities immediately.
Oh. Okay. Phew. Wait — what?
So my dilemma was that I not only needed to avoid getting kidnapped, but now also beware of getting stabbed. I mean, these are valid concerns that the best of us have to face at some point in life (or daily, depending on where we live in New York), but I was five.
And this is when I came up with the Bookvest™. Basically, I stacked anywhere from 5-10 books on my chest when I fell asleep at night. Every night. My logic was as follows: My killer would attempt to stab me, be unable to penetrate my charming force field, and become overwhelmed with confusion. During his confused state, I would leap up and run away. It was solid.
Except… I needed to do more. I needed to cut the killer off at the source. The source was the gas station. So I found my dad, the family gas-getter, and interrogated him about his gas station activity. It went something like this:
“Dad, are there usually… men at the gas station when you go?”
“What?”
“At the gas station. Are there men there?”
“Yes…?”
“What??? When you go to the gas station, it is very important that no one else is there.”
“Why?”
“Just promise!!!”
“Um. Okay. I promise.”
“Do you swear?”
This is basically when I started identifying with the term “neurotic.” It’s all been downhill since then.
You know, I’m kind of relieved to know that I’m not the only person who has these worries because of these shows. (Seriously, I thought I was the only person in this world that got scared over unsolved mysteries.)
But the lie your mother made to make you eat your veggies? I had to laugh out loud. My mother made seriously stupid/scary stories about the things that would happen to me if I didn’t finish eating all of my food. (To this very day, I feel guilty about not finishing my food all because of her.)
You are hysterical. I still love shows like Unsolved Mysteries.
Are you me? No, really? Because I literally spent all my days as a child watching Unsolved Mysteries & The X Files non-stop, and am now ridiculously neurotic too.
It was a combo of Unsolved Mysteries, Hard Copy and America’s Most Wanted for me…scary, scary shit for a kid to be watching.
My mom use to love watching that show and my mistake was sitting there next to her watching it too. I think that was the start of my paranoia. No joke as soon as I heard his voice I couldn’t even move an inch for fear that if I did something would grab me. The episode I remember the most is the one with the two kid brothers and how one fell into the ice, died, and was now haunting his brother. Thankfully I didn’t see the episode you’re talking about. I was also five and living in California. I would have probably locked myself in the closet every night.
That is so harsh what your mother said about not eating your vegetables. :( My mom would just tell me stories about children all over the world who didn’t have food or that she was going to shove it in my ears.
The real reason I hold the door open to allow others to go before me isn’t because I’m polite, it’s because I saw an episode of Unsolved Mysteries in which a man was hiding behind the door to some man’s home and bashed him in the face with a brick when he walked in.
I like the book stacking method, because I have something very similar: In order to avoid getting bit by vampires, I always sleep on my left side so that my jugular vein is facing the bed. And I cover my neck with a hunched shoulder.
Been doing this since grade one when my (not-so-nice) friend told me all about vampires and how they love to rip into your throbbing neck vein.
Scarred for life. If only she knew…
Oh no your mom did not say that??? LOL Too crazy. I remember watching Unsolved Mysteries as a child/teen… it was fascinating to say the least and I would always be freaked out by what was occurring. Growing up in Hawaii made it seem less scary though for some reason… as if these creepy happenings would not occur here even though growing up there were many stories told at school and sleepovers about all the ghosts and menehunes that would get us!
I still remember an episode I saw when I was little about a woman stabbing her husband to death…WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPWALKING.
i HATED unsolved mysteries. that and rescue 911. my god, for years, i was terrified of rabid bobcats breaking through my windows. and then to top it off, my UNCLE was in one of the unsolved mysteries episodes (he does random film stints) and i could never look at him the same again.
yeah, and the HE REMAINS AT LARGE part is never a fun feeling afterward.
kids should never have been allowed to watch that shit.
Okay so this is the first blog post I’ve read of yours and you had me howling! Hilarious.
Unsolved Mysteries haunted me as a kid, too. My best friend and I would watch it every week, and we had their phone number committed to memory, just in case we ever saw a suspicious garbage bag on the side of the road or a man lurking outside our bedroom windows. It was terrifying, the cause of many nightmares, and totally addictive.
Dude…. DUDE… The theme song for Unsolved Mysteries was enough to send shivers down the spine let alone the stories of murders happening anywhere near my current location by a man whose still at large… Unsolved Mysteries was one of those tv shows you just had to watch even though it would result in squeezing in between your mom and dad in bed (in my case) or the occasional McGuyvered vest of awesome.
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