POSTED: October 11th, 2010
Hello? I have real problems here.
For starters, I just paid $11 for a watered down cocktail. $11 is more than I make per hour (for those keeping count at home, that would be zero dollars and zero cents). I know, I’m also paying for the ambiance and if I don’t like it, I can go to Applebee’s, but it’s so dark in here that my boyfriend is starting to look like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate, which is weird, not because he doesn’t actually look like Dusty, but because I’ve never seen that movie.
Then there’s the fact that I bought these pants two weeks ago a size too small, convinced that would motivate me to stop phoning it in at yoga. These so-called “plans” of mine often have the optimism of the self-help aisle with the results of the overall affect of a therapist’s waiting room. Anyway, now I have to wear a maternity shirt tonight to shroud my muffin top. And these pants are kind of starting to cut off the blood flow to my legs. It’s like corset training for my love handles.
And should we mention my quarter-life crisis? You know, the one where I realize that holy shit, absolutely nothing is going as planned. Once upon a time, I was going to be somebody. I mean, weren’t we all? When I was sixteen and had the blessing of complete ignorance combined with years of unchecked judgment and hubris, I looked at the average middle-aged person and wondered how they got that dreadfully average car and dog and husband and house and job and life. This right here, past me. This right here is how you end up with that pre-owned Toyota Yaris and Yorkshire Terrier if you’re lucky. You rolled your dice when you decided to commit to a lifestyle of self-loathing and mediocrity. There will be no best-selling biography written about you. No one on Gliese 581 g will know who you are. Congratulations. You suck.
So when I tell you these things, no matter how trivial they might seem to you, don’t give me a nonsensical quote in return like it’s a panacea.
“Life is like a box of chocolates… you never know what you’re going to get!”
How does that make me feel better? And also, I don’t know what kind of whack chocolates you get, but even the ones from Target come with a little sheet that lets you match up the appearance of your chocolate to a flavor. You always know exactly which chocolate you are going to get.
“Well, it is what it is.”
Really? Is it?
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
I’m pretty sure that this is absolute bullshit. The other night, I walked into the next room and came across a spider with a body the size of a quarter and a leg-span the size of a Ritz cracker. It was black. And fuzzy. I thought I was going to die. I didn’t. But now? I wear shoes when I walk in that room. I don’t go in without making sure all the lights are on. The only thing that’s stronger around this place are my anxiety and my nightcap.
“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”
Ignoring the obvious literal incongruity with reality (like, I’m fairly certain that you land among the stars and then you die. Horribly.), when you “miss,” you just miss. When you fuck up your dream job interview, you don’t magically get scooped up by other dream jobs that pay slightly less. When you propose to your girlfriend and she says no, you don’t suddenly find yourself in a room full of other perfectly compatible mates who are waiting for you to pop the question. And when you sell your most prized possessions and U-Haul your life to Hollywood because you just know you’d be the perfect addition to the cast of Glee and it never works out for you, then you’re just poor.
I was upset about something the other day and my mom says “It’s just not the right time. Everything happens for a reason.” That has to be the worst. It’s just what people say to trick themselves into feeling better.
reply by filleosophy:
October 11th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Right? It’s like, oh, that reason was probably so I could tell you that story, you could tell me everything happens for a reason, and then you could experience being punched in the face for the first time. Here, allow me!
“Ow! What the fuck?”
“It is what it is, Mom.”
My parents used to say similar things to me along with encouraging things about the power of prayer. Then they got tired of that and basically said, “Bitch, if you don’t like it, do something about it.” Okay, I added the “bitch” for dramatic effect. And it didn’t really work. But it was a nice change of pace from the platitudes. At least it made it seem like I had some control over aimless wondering dead end of my mid-20s!
You see, you’d think after 25 years, I’d stop going to my parents with my problems because as well as the futile sayings you listed here, I’d also be offered a hefty dosage of Bible verse to drill it home that not only am I failing at life and disappointing myself AND them; God now hangs his head in shame whenever my name is mentioned.
But still, I go back there. Because it’s oddly comforting.
I have issues.
I agree with Kendra. The worst is when people say “everything happens for a reason.” Even if they truly believe that shit, it’s not gonna make anyone else feel better after some terrible event has just happened.
And, logically speaking, doesn’t the reason come before the event? Cause and effect and all that? Example: I got a D in my pre-historic art class last semester. THE REASON? I didn’t study and rarely went to class. No big cosmic secret there.
Good post. :)
The embed didn’t work. Here’s the link fille: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0e50vqY7Szo
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