It’s so hard to find good friends these days
POSTED: October 15th, 2010

You know that sigh of desperation that was supposedly uttered by totally contemptible heiresses a few decades ago, the one complete with the Mid-Atlantic accent that can only be perfected by attending boarding school with the daughters of dead presidents? It would go like this: Sigh. It’s so hard to find good help these days. Sigh.

And then they would motion to the offensive fingerprint that Adelheid left on the silver.

Sigh.

As if we could relate.

Well, today is the day that I can relate. But not about help. About friends. It is so hard to find good friends these days.

I maintain that finding good friends is harder than finding absolutely anything else, even harder than finding the perfect concealer or Christmas gift for your mother-in-law. Really, it’s even harder than finding a boyfriend.

You don’t have to be that picky with everyone you date because you probably won’t really remember them in five years. But friends? They’re kind of like The Situation in that they just won’t go away.

I mean, when you want to break up with a boyfriend, you can call him and be like, “Look, we need to talk,” and you’re 50% of the way there. Have you ever tried to break up with a friend? In order to be successful, your friend needs to have slept with your fiancé (or vice versa), you need to publicly question their child rearing abilities, or you need to relocate to somewhere that takes more than five hours of travel time. Other than death, there are no other ways out of a friendship. Never befriend anyone you wouldn’t want at your wedding, baby shower, and funeral. Because they’ll be there. And they’ll assume that they can bring their stupid cousin from Massachusetts with them.

But that isn’t even the hard part. The hard part is finding people to be friends with in the first place. Like, where exactly are you even supposed to meet girls that you don’t want to have sex with? Life kind of gives you a few networking freebies (your neighborhood, school, and work), but if those are a bust, then what? Do you pay to join some jewelry class (which, by the way, is the prerequisite to Overcharging on Etsy 103) and try to look fun and approachable? Do you take up a sport, convinced that being benched for the majority of your high school team’s games was a fluke? Do you volunteer, even though self-serving volunteering is a lottle bit questionable? Do you just start changing your interests and schedules for possible friends you haven’t even met yet?

And then, I mean, what are the odds that out of 20 people in your jewelry class, one of them won’t mind wearing a poorly fitted curtain to your wedding so that you can look cuter in the photographs? And will welcome your 3 a.m. drunk dials about how you just realized the meaning of life? And then your follow-up 2 p.m. text that reads, “I called you last night???” And will never judge you for spending your paycheck on wine instead of food? And will help you rearrange your furniture on a Sunday afternoon after you watch a feng shui documentary? And would pick you to go with her if she won two free tickets to see Radiohead? You’ll probably just end up paying $250 to put a few beads on some wire.

Finding good friends is probably the most glossed over issue of our time (other than the fact that people think they look good in leopard print). What? It is (and you don’t). We know how to scare away men and have no sense of self (thanks, Cosmopolitan), how to turn supermarket shopping into a black-tie affair (thanks, fashion bloggers), how to find out someone’s schedule for the month without actually asking them (thanks, Facebook), and how to look like we know how to spell (thanks, built-in red dotted underline).

But we’re totally in the dark when it comes to finding good friends.

Sigh.


198 Comments on “It’s so hard to find good friends these days”

  1. 1 Rachel Celeste said at 3:44 pm on October 15th, 2010:

    I couldn’t agree more, really. Good friends are hard to find. Also, possibly more annoying, is when you think you have good friends, and then years down the line of them turns on all of you, throwing you all under the bus.

    Sigh.

    reply by Rachel Celeste:

    Err, that is… “and then years down the line ONE of them turns on all of you..”

    reply by Jonathan Manor:

    Yeah, we were actually getting into this at 20sb before I deleted the discussion indefinitely because I worded my question in a slightly offensive manner, and some people thought it wasn’t cool.

    I reposted it on a personal development blog this way:

    Titled: Your Best Friend likes You, What are you left with?

    Edit: First off I’m a guy. I’m writing this because I came up with these questions when I was reading a girl’s blog post about making friends.

    To women (or the guy who can see how it can be switched around)

    Question:

    Do you think it’s possible to make a guy friend without him falling in love with you.

    Question #2:

    Is it okay to be friends with someone after a break up even when you know that the other person is still in love with you but you’re not?

    I know this happens a lot, what are your thoughts on it.

    I think that wording pretty much slides through the offensive shield and gets my actual inquire across

    reply by Rachel Celeste:

    1 – Do you think it’s possible to make a guy friend without him falling in love with you.

    I once had a guy friend, who is extremely, extremely smart and 10 years my senior, married, kids, etc etc who told me that it is EXTREMELY rare to find a guy friend who doesnt want to sleep with you/wouldn’t sleep with you if it ever came to that. He has a theory that a guy will stick around for years just for the 1% chance that something could eventually happen between the two of you.

    2 – Is it okay to be friends with someone after a break up even when you know that the other person is still in love with you but you’re not?

    Honestly, this is a personal call. Personally, I think that, if someone stays friends with an ex in this situation, I’d venture to say that there is some selfishness to that decision. You didn’t want to be with the person, but you still want them in your life, despite how much it could hurt the other person because they are still in love with you. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve done it and that’s why i know that it CAN BE a selfish decision (Im not saying that it ALWAYS is). I think that after a break up people need space to adjust, otherwise a wound can stay open for far longer than is healthy.

    But that’s just my two cents.

  2. 2 Stephanie said at 3:47 pm on October 15th, 2010:

    I haven’t been out in the real world yet, but as a student, it’s very easy to say that you’re too busy, and never see somebody for a long time. And then it’s like you never knew each other.

    I’ve never had friends turn on me, but I feel that it must be dreadful. It’s probably best that we just ignore them, disheartening as it is.

    After we moved, my parents often found good friends in our neighbors, but we did not have any lousy neighbors.

  3. 3 Alexandra the Tsaritsa said at 4:11 pm on October 15th, 2010:

    I wish it wasn’t so hard to find good friends, but it’s a trial and error process. I agree with what Rachel said, and I’ve had that happen to me more than once. Years of loyalty and dedication only to be thrown under the bus when we’ve lost our usefulness.

    SIGH.

  4. 4 Bella said at 10:20 pm on October 16th, 2010:

    It’s true…. True friends are so hard to come by… I’d say in my life time so far I’ve found two really good friends that I want to keep close… I just transferred to a University and I’m making friends, but they have yet to fall under the category of good friends… :( It’s a long hard process hopefully we’ll find those people someday. :)

  5. 5 Liv said at 12:44 am on October 18th, 2010:

    Your absolutely right – it is so hard to find good friends.

    I’m a decently private person with only a couple close friends but a slew of “I know you – and your okay – but I’m not inviting you over” people.

    At this moment I’m trying to dump a friend whom for the past 10 years has made me pretty miserable. One of those “She needs me, more than I need her” unhealthy types of relationships. I still can’t figure out how to get her to just let it fizzle out.

    reply by filleosophy:

    You’re going to need plastic surgery and a new mailing address, but I have high hopes for you moving on from this friendship. Keep me posted.

  6. 6 Jolie D'Lite said at 6:12 am on October 18th, 2010:

    *Sigh…* @ FilleOsophy… I AGREE! U are spot on!! … The whole friendship thing is just a part of life.. Here’s how I handle it though: when stuff happens.. I just pause to acknowledge..access and then keep it moving.. shelving any valuable insights past occurrences give me to assist in navigating the future… What I have found strange is a few people who turn up out of the blue… follow me round like a GPS signal or tracking device… (Thanks to Facebook!) ..sigh… and then just as unannounced as they arrived, they fall out of my life… WEIRD!… They are not there anymore?!! Oh! Ok! Hmmm.. what was that about.??! *Moving right along… nothing to see or do here!* LOL KMDT… FilleO… Ure blog .. the entire layout & concept…ROCKS!! :)

    reply by filleosophy:

    Thank you so much!

    reply by Jolie D'Lite:

    You are welcome..btw..did you really dye your hair red??! (Twitter tattled!) LOL.. I will only believe if I see pics! :) Have a great rest of the week. I will keep checking back for your rants.. musings etc.

  7. 7 Jonathan Manor said at 7:31 am on October 18th, 2010:

    Question:

    Do you think it’s possible to make a guy friend without him falling in love with you.

    Question #2:

    Do you think it’s okay to know that your guy friend has a crush on you, turn him down, and continue to be his friend. Somewhat leading him on still.

    reply by filleosophy:

    Question #1: Yes.

    Question #2: I mean, I don’t think it’s leading anyone on to be their friend. When you turn someone down, I think the whole ‘leading on’ thing kind of dies unless they struggle with basic human concepts.

  8. 8 leilani said at 7:47 am on October 18th, 2010:

    this is such a good point… and very well-written. it is so hard to find good friends and it takes a long time to build them – and you’re right, buying gifts for judgy inlaws and/or finding a boyfriend actually seem easy in comparison!

  9. 9 amanda said at 8:38 am on October 18th, 2010:

    It only becomes harder with age.

    You find that the people you work with can be fun…but do you really want to see them outside of work?

    You find decent people in the neighborhood…but do you really want people to just drop in on you, because they see your car is home?

    You MIGHT find people through your kids…but do you really want to have play dates with people who’s parenting style makes you crazy?

    sigh

    reply by filleosophy:

    So it’s probably time to look into cats then?

  10. 10 Stereo said at 8:57 am on October 18th, 2010:

    This is so true.

    And BECAUSE it is so true, you find yourself holding on to those friends that perhaps you really should leave in the past because you don’t want to be that person with no friends.

    Sheesh.

    reply by filleosophy:

    And then you try to do the whole Spring Cleaning: Friends Edition and it always totally backfires. It’s like lose/lose city when it comes to friends.

    I’m moving onto cats. Or maybe a Pomeranian.

  11. 11 Skinny Dip said at 12:44 pm on October 18th, 2010:

    This is so true (but, I feel like I could make that statement about all your entries)

    Finding good friends was my biggest challenge when I first moved to this city. Finding slightly sketchy guys with pretty faces to date = quite easy.

    If the Hills taught us anything (ha) its that friend-breakups are often worse (& the fall out much longer lasting) than breaking up with a dude you were dating.

    reply by filleosophy:

    Why is the sketchy bachelor to good friend ratio, like, 10,000:1?

    SIGH.

  12. 12 Lauri said at 11:43 pm on October 18th, 2010:

    I really liked your article, but I felt like you were enunciating what you wanted, but not what you could exactly bring into the friendship!

    Regardless, that was a good article!

    reply by filleosophy:

    Thanks! And you’re right: In a friendship, I can bring the following things to the table:

    - Subjectively awesome advice, available 24/7
    - Great meals, provided you like tofu
    - Really exceptional wingwoman abilities
    - Strange faces in photographs, so you will always look better (!!!)
    - Humorous social commentary

    Call me!

  13. 13 Rachel Celeste said at 11:11 am on October 19th, 2010:

    I have never been one to have a TON of friends. I always preferred to have a small group of friends who I could really call “my friends” and then the others were acquaintances.

    Alot of the people that I call friends to this day, are friends that I have had since grade school, or high school.

    Yes, I made friends in College and since then, from work, but it is a small group that I know that I can trust and that i love as much as family (this has of course been shaken up a bit since one friend made a crappy move…)

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