Things I just know
POSTED: October 21st, 2010

Cardboard tampon applicators were invented by a man. This is because men don’t have vaginas and therefore don’t understand what it is like to put a miniature bear trap inside of them.

You should never befriend anyone with terrible taste in music. At one point or another, you might find yourself in their car.

You will probably regret the matching tattoo you got with your new boyfriend. You will definitely regret the Twilight quote. Also, that unintentionally asymmetrical butterfly.

Nobody actually likes constructive criticism.

People who park like assholes are terrible in bed. When you park like an asshole, you are selfish, arrogant, and apathetic, none of which are ideal or even tolerable qualities in a lover.

You should never trust anyone who feels the need to constantly bring up their 1/16 Native American background.

When meeting a date in person for the first time since stumbling across them on a dating site, the biggest thing you can know for sure that you have in common is that you have both misrepresented yourselves in at least three ways.

If you hate your mother-in-law now, you will hate your marriage later.

The more styled her hair is, the more she will appreciate juicy gossip.

If you read more magazines than books, everyone thinks you’re boring. If you read more blogs than books, everyone thinks you’re good with computers. And if you read a lot of books, nobody wants to play Scrabble with you. Choose your reading material wisely!

Nine-year-olds don’t need to be pop stars, even if their parents do need a way to keep up the maintenance on their third Learjet.

If you often describe yourself as sarcastic, smart, or sexy, there is a 95% that you are none of those things. If you’ve ever described yourself as “not your average…”, there is a 100% chance that you are very average. Like, peak of the bell curve average.

Unless you’re sharing, nobody cares what you made for dinner.

People who struggle with color coordinating their outfits should never be allowed to voice their opinions when it comes to interior design decisions.

After the first drink, you are never as sober as you think you are.

If you’re constantly worried that people’s passive aggressive comments are actually about you, you are a horrible person.


227 Comments on “Things I just know”

  1. 1 Alexandra the Tsaritsa said at 6:08 pm on October 21st, 2010:

    I dunno, I rarely style my hair but I love hearing juicy gossip.

    And I usually describe myself as “just your average…” Does that mean I’m exceptional?

  2. 2 The Roaring Decade said at 6:17 pm on October 21st, 2010:

    I cannot agree with you more on these things – cardboard applicators are bogus, but I feel guilty using plastic because of the environment.

    Keep up the awesome blog.

  3. 3 Sarah said at 6:34 pm on October 21st, 2010:

    yes yes yes yes yes yes YESS!!! seriously…cardboard??

  4. 4 Stephanie said at 10:58 pm on October 21st, 2010:

    You know, maybe some of those things are pretty damn true. Luckily, I don’t know very many of those people.

    And as a girl, I can say fuck tampons. I ain’t losing my virginity to a piece of … something…

  5. 5 Jonathan Manor said at 6:25 am on October 22nd, 2010:

    YAY! I always describe myself as immature and loving insecurities. Not even kidding ask anyone you know, that I know, that we know.

    Sorry about the tampons, the hand of a man wasn’t exactly built to touch anything with such delicacy. In fact, I don’t think men have anything to do with delicacy.

  6. 6 Stereo said at 6:32 am on October 22nd, 2010:

    I just could never bring myself to use tampons. The invasive nature of cardboard is not something with which I ever wanted to become acquainted.

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  8. 8 amanda said at 10:43 am on October 22nd, 2010:

    You know a lot.

    Keep up the fabulous writing.

  9. 9 Rose said at 6:03 pm on October 22nd, 2010:

    “If you often describe yourself as sarcastic, smart, or sexy, there is a 95% that you are none of those things. If you’ve ever described yourself as “not your average…”, there is a 100% chance that you are very average. Like, peak of the bell curve average.”

    Absolutely.

  10. 10 Shinay said at 4:35 pm on October 23rd, 2010:

    “Unless you’re sharing, nobody cares what you made for dinner.”

    –LOVE IT!

  11. 11 Jamie said at 1:26 pm on October 25th, 2010:

    “You should never befriend anyone with terrible taste in music. At one point or another, you might find yourself in their car.”

    YES. I don’t make friends with people who like Dave Matthews. Or Dane Cook.

    “If you often describe yourself as sarcastic, smart, or sexy, there is a 95% that you are none of those things.”

    Another big yes. Especially to those who describe themselves as funny. If you have to say your hilarious, you’re probably not.

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    This post was funny; very funny. I chuckled. Thanks.

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  14. 14 Jeffrey said at 8:11 am on October 27th, 2010:

    These are great (and hilarious), and I agree with nearly all of them.

    As for magazines, I guess if you’re reading US Weekly or People, this is true. However, don’t you think magazines are extremely culturally relevant?

    I even once blogged about using magazines for this very purpose: http://www.jigsawdust.com/journal/2009/11/10/the-quickest-and-easiest-way-to-increase-your-culture-iq.html

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