POSTED: October 27th, 2010
For those of you who still haven’t decided on a Halloween costume or have received last-minute invitations to parties but don’t want to get lost in a sea of Snookis, Lady Gagas, and vampires, I have just the thing for you.
I’m personally not dressing up this year since apparently no one wants me at their Halloween party, so I hope they all somehow see this post and realize just what they’re missing out on… but let’s not dwell on that! Let’s go pick your Halloween costume, you festive social butterfly, you!
Congratulations, you’re going as: Amber from Teen Mom
Who could forget America’s Sweetheart and Mother of the Year, Amber Portwood? In time you might, so use this Halloween as an opportunity to flaunt your dedication to MTV’s biggest guilty pleasure television show of all time by going as everyone’s favorite teen mom and television personality.
The set-up: Get a long brown wig (unless you have long brown hair), a baby doll, and pick up an outfit from DEB, Charlotte Russe, or JC Penney. Amber’s style falls under the realm of “bright polyester,” especially anything aqua or with a magenta and brown color palette. If you’re going as Season 2 Amber, don’t forget your spray tan!
Really sell it: Drop your baby off (or just drop your baby) on the floor and walk away from it, ignoring it completely. Sit or lay down whenever possible and try to keep your face frozen in a scowl. Frequently take out your cell phone, pretend to answer it, and immediately start screeching at someone named Gary. To add some public appeal, start a drinking game based around your costume! Every time you break up with Gary or kick him out of the apartment, everyone takes a drink. Tip: Make sure to start this activity long before the liquor store closes.
It helps if you have: Someone to accompany you and play the role of Gary. It’ll really add another dimension to this costume!
Congratulations, you’re going as: Stacey McGill from The Baby-Sitters Club
If you’re on the fence about this one, ask yourself this: Does the name Ann M. Martin evoke feelings of nostalgia and longing from deep within your bitter heart? Do you want to hear a bunch of people shriek, “OH MY GOD, I LOVED HER!!!” as soon as they realize what your costume is? Duh.
The set-up: Get a trendy outfit and blonde wig, but here’s the catch: Your outfit has to be trendy for 1992! White sunglasses on top of your head and jeans with an unflattering cut are a definite plus. Mandatory accessories: Shopping bags, syringe (you’ll see). Optional accessory: Baby/toddler doll.
Really sell it: Throw the fact that you have diabetes and you’re from “the city” into casual conversation. Then, frequently and dramatically pass out. When someone notices, hand them the syringe and remind them that you have diabetes and need your insulin shot.
It helps if you have: Female friends your age.
Congratulations, you’re going as: Gossip Girl
The good news about this costume is that no one knows what Gossip Girl looks like, so she could totally be a racially ambiguous, fashion-forward female with mismatched foundation from West Virginia (you)! Yay! The bad news is that since there’s no tangible costume involved, it’s up to you and you alone to carry the show. No pressure.
The set-up: Dress however you normally dress. Just kidding! People are going to be taking pictures tonight, so follow this rule: Dress how you want to be seen when you meet your future husband. He might be there! If you’re already married, dress how you want to be seen when you meet your future husband once the divorce is finalized!
Really sell it: Linger around small groups of people pretending to text on your phone and wait for their conversation to pause. When they look at you expectantly, say something along the lines of “Spotted: Frankenstein trying to cozy up to Little Red Riding Hood. Careful, F. It looks like she’s not too keen on you eating her tonight.”
It helps to stalk your victims from afar before barging in on them so you’re not stuck at “um…” waiting for a pun to come to you and giving one of them room to ruin your punchline by undermining your entire operation with, “So, like, what are you supposed to be?”
It helps if you have: Liquid courage or a naturally obnoxious personality, wit, friends who appreciate bad television.
Congratulations, you’re going as: A GPS
Are you all about subtle hilarity? Does the thought of being annoying really appeal to you for some reason? If you answered yes to both questions, you can call off the Halloween Costume Search 2010. You are officially going as a GPS! You’re going to be great, I just know it.
The set-up: Draw a large map on poster board and indicate a red dot for your current location and the path you will be traveling. For extra credit, take this opportunity to call your friends out! For example, if you have a friend who tans too much, sketch in a tanning salon on the corner and label it as “Jessica.” Another friend who pretends her knock-offs are legit? Go ahead and label her as “shopping” out of some guy’s trunk. Draw some buttons on the bottom or write the name of a well-known brand to complete the look.
Really sell it: When you spot an unsuspecting party-goer on the move, slide in front of them and backwards-walk them to their destination while spouting off helpful tips in your best computerized voice like, “In ten feet, turn left,” and “You are approaching your destination. Your destination is on the left.” If they ignore your directions, make sure to give them a second, third, and fourth chance to make things right — “In two feet, make a u-turn.” “… RECALCULATING.” “Please make a u-turn now.” “In three feet, make a u-turn.”
It helps if you have: A party in a large space. This costume doesn’t reach its full potential in the corner of a packed club.
Congratulations, you’re going as: The Birth of Venus
The problem with Halloween isn’t the abundance of scantily clad girls getting hypothermia on the east coast, but rather, the general lack of creativity put forth by this holiday’s participants. If you want to be sexy, you have to try harder than paying $69.99 for boring in a bag at the Halloween superstore. You need a concept. In case you’re not sure, “sexy ladybug” is not a concept. But Venus? Now, Venus is a fucking concept. There’s nothing sexier than basically being the goddess of attractiveness and sexual reproduction!
The set-up: Purchase a skin-color bodysuit and long orangey-brown (there’s got to be a more intelligent way to say that) wig.
Really sell it: Stand in a classical contrapposto stance all night.
It helps if you have: Leg muscles, friends who paid attention in Art History.
Congratulations, you’re going as: The White iPhone
The release of the elusive white iPhone was delayed yet again this week. Bad news for one nation under Apple; great news for your relevant costume options!
The set-up: Design the front and back on poster board and hang it over your shoulders like you’re advertising outside the grand opening of a pizza parlor. Make sure your application icons and apple logo are solidly rendered. iPhones aren’t cheap!
Really sell it: Arrange for the music at the party to cut to MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” at some point during the night, but preferably before 1 a.m. (when people start to get too drunk to remember how hilarious you were the next day). Run into a group of people, create a circle around yourself by maneuvering your arms in propeller-like motions, and start dancing. When you leave for the night, make sure to mention that you’ll see everyone later in Q2, 2011!
It helps if you have: Nerdy friends, especially if they were “holding out” on upgrading to the iPhone 4 for the white one.
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reply by filleosophy:
October 28th, 2010 at 6:40 pm
Surely! IF you will be a GPS for Halloween. I just want to see one GPS. Just one.
I don’t know why you have NOT been invited to any Halloween parties, especially after this brilliant post of yours.
reply by filleosophy:
October 28th, 2010 at 6:42 pm
(channeling Monica Gellar) I KNOW!!!
You’re amazing. That is a fact.
reply by filleosophy:
October 28th, 2010 at 6:42 pm
I love facts. Especially this one. Thank you!
Stacy should also carry around a muffin, in case her sugar gets low, that she’s afraid to eat in front of the guy she likes. That’s a plotline from the Babysitter’s Club movie, though. I always liked the “super” series where they went on vacations.
reply by filleosophy:
October 28th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Oh god, this is the perfect third accessory! Take note, aspiring Staceys!
Amber Portwood.
Classic.
reply by filleosophy:
October 28th, 2010 at 6:46 pm
Isn’t she though? An modern-day Audrey Hepburn in her own right…
You are so brilliant.
I’ve just been on a mental time travel, thanks so much to you.
I am running right out to get my Babysitters Club costume. I am also going to search the ends of the earth to put my complete collection back together again and read them all.
reply by filleosophy:
October 28th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Dude. I want to do this. What I really want to do is reread the spin-off series “California Diaries” though.
You have totally made me re-think my stance on how much I hate Halloween…I mean, I might still hate it, but those costume ideas are brilliant!
Oh, and the orange-brown word you’re searching for is Ochre. Possibly burnt sienna.
reply by filleosophy:
October 28th, 2010 at 6:49 pm
Oh my god, you’re right about Ochre. How embarrassing for me, but helpful of you! Thank you!
You crack me up. I wasn’t going to dress up…now I just might.
reply by filleosophy:
October 28th, 2010 at 6:45 pm
GO AS THE GPS!!! I implore you.
Stacey McGill always and forever!! Her and Claudia Kishi of course. Then Dawn.
LOVE this.
reply by filleosophy:
October 28th, 2010 at 6:50 pm
They pretty much carried the entire series. No one needs the goody-two-shoes, the bossy athlete, or the two eleven-year-olds.
Wow. This had me laughing so hard. You’re crazy and it’s great.
reply by filleosophy:
October 30th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Thank you! Being crazy is the best.
I completely agree with the amber bit! I hold so much anger towards that show!
“Drop your baby off (or just drop your baby) on the floor and walk away from it,”
Haha, that’s the best.
reply by filleosophy:
October 30th, 2010 at 3:45 pm
Yeah, she’s a bit much. I mostly don’t know how to react to her scenes.
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