POSTED: November 1st, 2010
Sometimes the strong sense of nausea and blurry bartender aren’t enough for you to know that you are making all the wrong choices for yourself. Don’t you wish there was a way to stop your drunken mistakes in their tracks? You’re in luck! Today is the day that I share with you my secret to mornings that don’t involve waking up and immediately going, “Shit.” From the looks of your tagged (and promptly untagged) Facebook photos, you need it.
Before a night of drinking, think of something that you would probably never do, but you might do if someone’s life depended on it. Not just anyone’s life, though — you have to pick someone important. Like Kate Hudson, for example, because where would we all be without her classic contributions to the cinema like Almost Famous and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Exactly.
Personally, I like to alternate between the following scenarios: Shaving my head, dropping acid and going to Disneyland, or dancing in public. Under normal circumstances, none of those things would be on my agenda, but if Goldie Hawn Jr. really needed me? You can bet I’d be in line for the Matterhorn waiting for the visuals to kick in. It’s just one of those honorable “bigger picture” things you know you would do if it came down to it, like serving your country or donating a kidney to a parent.
Once you have your scenario in mind, keep asking yourself throughout the course of the evening (minus the life of the person you deem worthy on the line): “Does this sound like a good idea?”
Again, in my case, I would ask myself something like, “Does shaving your head someday actually sound like it might be kind of fun and liberating?” My sober answer: Have you seen how round your face is? My inebriated answer: OMG PROBABLY?!?!?!
If the occasion ever arises in which your scenario starts to sound like something you might even vaguely be into, you know your judgment has officially reached the point of no return and you can no longer be trusted. Do yourself a favor and put the fucking drink down and stop doing things. Which things? All of them.
That guy you want to go home with? Tell him to text you tomorrow. That song you want to sing to everyone? Save it for the shower. That ex you want to text? File that message away for never. You are no longer allowed to do anything but drink a tall glass of water and go to sleep. Also — and this is very important — those pictures you want to upload? Are you blind? Seriously, never upload pictures, especially pictures of yourself or of people you want to remain on good terms with, until the morning after. When you’re ten beers deep, firing up iPhoto and unloading your memory card of shame might seem like a good idea, but remember: Your beer goggles also apply to thyself. Wait until the room stops spinning in order to determine if the freeze frames of your “sexy face” are actually as attractive as you remember them to be or if you look like Courtney Love circa whenever.
Future you thanks you.
Have you seen how round your face is?
Your head could also be lumpy.
reply by filleosophy:
November 1st, 2010 at 4:24 pm
See, exactly! There are just too many variables you have to account for when you shave your head! Not. Worth. It.
It’s true. I always make “sexy faces” when I’m drinking and someone takes a photo, but when I look at the pictures later it looks like I’m eating something sour or I smelled something nasty. Wait until sober to upload!
reply by filleosophy:
November 1st, 2010 at 4:27 pm
I mean, at least if your “sexy face” is sporadic, you can pretend you were making fun of someone and weren’t totally smashed, whereas a drunk grin is pretty difficult to play off as anything but… although I’d say both are pictures you wouldn’t want showing up on CNN should you ever go missing.
I sure hope this is followed up with a lot of anecdotes of horrible, embarrassing drunken activities :D
I think I managed to keep my cool Halloween.
reply by filleosophy:
November 1st, 2010 at 4:27 pm
Of course not! I follow my own formula and I’m always in top-notch shape.
I’m the worst for doing a stupid vacuous “shocked” post when inebriated that needs HIDING from the world.
reply by filleosophy:
November 1st, 2010 at 4:28 pm
I think I know what you mean and if I’m right, that’s hilarious.
I wish I always had you to guide me when I’m about to reach for my phone in a drunken stupor. But now with this post I sort of do. I should make it my phone’s wallpaper.
Hilarious.
I wish I had this over the last weekend. Not for me, sadly, but for the boy. Sunday morning was the opposite of fun.
Social media should require a breathalyzer test before one is able to hit “publish”.
Uh oh…. girl, what HAPPENED?
Alcohol and I don’t mix very well, so I don’t think I’ve ever been drunk… or I must have been a seriously “responsible” one at any rate.
Still, if I ever get drunk I’ll try to think of this. Just one question: when you’re drunk, how much do you listen to yourself? As in: if you order yourself to “stop doing things”, do you? :P
I could have seriously used this 2 years ago! /le sigh
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