POSTED: November 6th, 2010
Whenever I feel old and boring, I order alcohol. Getting carded makes me feel young and drinking makes me feel special. I suspect that this isn’t so much a long-term solution as it is an excuse to overpay for a drink with an umbrella in it, but it works for me, so who’s to judge?
Whenever I feel average, however, I just think of Jennifer Aniston.
We’re not so different, Jen and I. She was married to Brad Pitt, and there was a time when I wanted to be married to Brad Pitt. She was born in Sherman Oaks, and like a crisis center volunteer, I’ve been there. She plays whiny characters that are supposed to be funny in movies and I am a whiny character that is supposed to be funny in real life. She thinks John Mayer is a douchebag and I think John Mayer is a douchebag. She’s 41 and I would also be 41 if I had been born in 1969. All the signs say that we’re more or less the same person.
But when I think of her acting career, I just kind of think… eh. That isn’t to say she’s a terrible and completely cringe-worthy actress, because she isn’t. But she’s never carried a movie. The success of a film has never been contingent on Jennifer Aniston saying, “Okay, I guess I’ll play the likable but neurotic and/or overworked female lead. Again.” or, “Okay, I guess I’ll play the adorable but ultimately forgettable and totally replaceable supporting actress. Again.” The Academy will never so much as nod in her direction, unless she happens to be walking directly behind Meryl Streep. She’s just kind of there, like the guitar solos in Jimmy Eat World songs.
That’s okay though, because in Hollywood, you don’t have to be a good actress to act. I know, I was surprised too. As long as you’re perceived as being really good-looking to the demographic of people who don’t think it’s unreasonable to pay $10 for a ticket to only be somewhat moderately entertained, there are feature films (or at least indie flicks with unstable financial backing) in your future. Except… she’s not particularly attractive either. She’s not ugly — after all, she makes that Jay Leno chin look almost feminine! But she’s also not pretty enough to have the privilege of relying solely on genetics to pay the bills.
But here’s the thing about Jen: Somehow, despite possessing only a modicum more talent basically anyone in line at an open casting call and the appearance of your next door neighbor if she would just renew her gym membership and blow dry her hair with a round brush, her net worth is valued at $120 million.
And that’s why I think of Jennifer Aniston whenever I’m feeling average. She gives me hope.
I didn’t know that people thought that Jen wasn’t all that attractive 0_o
reply by filleosophy:
November 6th, 2010 at 10:09 am
I think she’s attractive, but in the way I think the average woman would be if they too had a personal stylist, award-winning hairdresser, professional make-up artist, and personal trainer at their beck and call, you know?
reply by Alexandra the Tsaritsa:
November 6th, 2010 at 10:21 pm
You’re so right about that. Geez, even the Olsen twins look presentable when they have their million dollar hairstylist and dresser on board.
reply by Annabelle:
November 16th, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Where do we get these and how soon?
reply by Sabrina:
December 7th, 2010 at 8:30 pm
I’ve always thought she was unattractive..
reply by Alexsis:
December 15th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
hahaaaa. i thought people worshipped her!! interesting
It’s funny because it’s true. Jennifer Aniston is charming on screen, but she’s a bad actress and relative to other actresses, she’s plain looking. I still love her though.
She also can’t seem to hold onto a man, at least not for very long.
“The Academy will never so much as nod in her direction, unless she happens to be walking directly behind Meryl Streep. She’s just kind of there, like the guitar solos in Jimmy Eat World songs.”
I love you.
Girl, I think you are far more attractive than Jen. SERIOUSLY. She’s attractive, but if you compare yourself to her, I think you win.
you are brilliant. i know that word is getting played out – thanks brittish folks – but its just so true.
you are the girl i want to take shots and get snarky with while giving home pedies and watching E!.
She’s Rachel Green over and over and over and over. Annoying.
I do envy how well she’s aging though. Botox or no botox.
I second annabelle’s comment.
genius. HAHAHA. poor jen!
“I would also be 41 if I had been born in 1969″. DEAD. Ahahaha. Never stop, Cici, never stop.
100% agreed!! To every single sentence of this post. You always find the way to put into words exactly what I would like to say. THANK YOU
While I agree with your assessment, I still get jealous and envious when I realize how much money she actually has. What is it that she has that made her millions? it makes me crazy! I WANT!
this was cute and funny… but i still love jennifer aniston!
Jennifer Aniston’s one of those really hot blonde girl’s that you are absolutely sure, cannot dance.
I loved these points! You made me laugh. I guess all of her characters are very similar, huh? The waitress in Office Space, the wife in Marley & Me…yep, both the same. I’m glad I found your blog. I hopped over to it from Hyperbole & a Half. I’ll be back!
Ah, poor Jen. Well at least we know one thing she’s good for — inspiring great blog posts! New follower here and just wanted to say hello and that I think your blog is lovely :)
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