My boyfriend and I recently acquired a record player, which is great news for an aspiring music snob like myself. I say aspiring because I like to refer to myself as a “music snob” in the same way that Kim Kardashian might consider herself a “natural beauty” — it’s just not the truth, but it’s clearly a goal.

At this point, the only thing we had left to do was get our first album. We walked down to the record store and on the way there, I suddenly realized that I hate almost all of the music that he listens to. It’s weird (meaning I can’t sing along to it, so what’s the point of playing it?) and I don’t even know what “post-hardcore” is supposed to mean. Like, what comes after hardcore, other than relief?

Like I said — aspiring music snob. An aspiring music snob who had no idea how she was going to ever reach a harmonious decision on a record collection with her actual music snob boyfriend. We need hipster therapy or something.

Anyway, we started browsing the records and I set off on my mission to find Bob Dylan’s Highway 61 Revisited. I was sort of successful (I found Bob Dylan), but not really because they only had a Greatest Hits album. Certain that this was something we could agree on, I carried the Greatest Hits album over to him and was like, “Well. I think we can go home now.”

And he was like, “Greatest Hits? Really?”

And then I remembered: For some reason, people hate Greatest Hits albums. They think that people who buy Greatest Hits albums are only fans in passing and have no appreciation for the actual artist or band. And, inevitably, they feel personally violated because their favorite song didn’t make the Greatest Hits cut (… Maybe because it sucks? Just a theory!) and decide that this injustice invalidates the entire Greatest Hits album and that anyone who buys it is a poseur who wouldn’t know good music if it slapped them in the face.

I have a message for these people: You’re not a bigger and better fan than anyone else is just because your favorite song is some rare, unreleased acoustic jam. Dude, the band didn’t even like that song, hence its lack of release, and you probably had to go through illegal methods of even obtaining such a track, so some might even consider you to be a pretty shitty fan.

… I know, the logic was so solid that I actually agreed with myself for a second there. And in that second, I bought Canned Heat’s Greatest Hits album with no remorse.