Stop faking it and fucking make it already. Don’t take candy from strangers, but always accept alcohol from them. If you’re bad at eye contact, just wear sunglasses. If you dance like nobody’s watching, you end up on everyone’s newsfeed in the morning. Talk to babies and animals like they are adult human beings. When mixing drinks for a new acquaintance, always make theirs twice as strong so they won’t remember how bad you are at first impressions. Remember: The more sleep deprived you look, the more important you appear. Nobody likes you better as a blonde. Never answer phone calls from numbers you don’t recognize. Try to incorporate a lawyer, a bartender, a photographer, a pastry chef, and a hair stylist into your social circle before you accept a marriage proposal. Stop starting conversations just so you have an excuse to talk about yourself. Never leave your computer unattended without clearing your browser history. If you wear nothing else, at least wear earrings and red lipstick. Always be on the lookout for a family with connections to adopt you. It’s okay to be bad at math. No wire hangers ever. When in doubt, just pretend you’re Stevie Nicks. If you never make your bed, you never have to lie in it. Just marry an investment banker and worry about everything else later.

Read Apocalypstick’s life lessons here.