When I first moved to Pennsylvania from California four years ago, I kind of liked it. Small towns! An inconvenient commute to New York! Snow! Wawa! A weird absence of palm trees! Highways with no diamond lane! What’s happening?! I didn’t know, but I was so excited to find out. I was also considerably more of an idiot four years ago. Now, I know better.

1. I witnessed a woman atop a horse successfully go through a drive-thru. Okay. Here’s the thing about this: It’s really charming and hilarious and so fetch and all when you’re on a road trip or something and you make a pit-stop at McDonald’s and you see someone do this and take a ton of pictures, not even trying to be discreet, so you have proof while you live-tweet what’s happening. I get that. But it is not even close to cute when this happens and the most people do is say, “Huh! Well, I’ll be!” The fact that people are even saying something like, “Well, I’ll be” is a sign you need to move. The fact that they’re saying it in response to the whole horse/drive-thru situation should be all the proof you need to get out of your lease.

2. If you’re an upstanding gentleman who has recently been gifted with or purchased a truck around these parts, you will undoubtedly pick one, two, or all three of the following things to slap on your back window or bumper. Actually, I see these so often, I don’t even know if people pick these things out. I’m beginning to believe that they come factory installed and what you get is what you get.

- “GIT R DONE.” To this day, I don’t even know what this means. Get what done? What is “R”? Does this essentially mean that you just “get shit done”? Why do you need to broadcast your ability to complete tasks on your car?
- Those shiny metal balls, as in male anatomy balls, that hang down off the back of the truck. Just in case the person behind you was curious about the gender of the owner of the Ford pick-up with the “GIT R DONE” bumper sticker.
- A Confederate flag. I don’t even know.

3. I can’t buy vodka at the grocery store. Actually, in 2007, I couldn’t even find beer at the grocery store. They JUST started selling it a few years ago, but only until 10 p.m., and you can only get two six-packs per person. Like the world is running out of beer or something. It took me a long time to comprehend the concept of “no vodka aisle” because when I think of my grocery list, I think of random things that can be stir-fried and booze. Before the days of the beer rationing, they told me to go to the liquor store or a beer distributor, which I guess makes sense, but where the hell is Safeway with my handle and aisle dedicated to wine? So I went to the liquor store, only to find that they closed at six.

4. The speed limit on the major highway around here is 55, but you’ll never even get the chance to go that fast because it’s either covered in snow, or the right lane (THE ONLY OTHER LANE) is closed down due to construction that conveniently lasts until everything is covered in snow again.

5. There’s no In-N-Out.