What came first — the adult or the adult apartment?

I just don’t think you can be an adult until you’re living in an adult environment, so I think it’s high time that we put our spray-painted furniture up for grabs on Craigslist, move out of our studios, and kick off this journey to our bleak futures with an adult apartment. The rest will come with time. Or with wine, a beverage highly favored by adults such as yourself. As you can see, there’s no losing team in this game.

First, you’re going to need a garden. If you’re an underachiever, some kitchen herbs and various scattered plants will suffice. For years, adults have been deeply enamored with flora and it’s no time to break that tradition. Plants show that not only are you a friend to the earth, a very grown-up commitment to make because going green is a total drag, but also that you can care for something other than yourself. If you can keep a plant alive, you can do anything. It’s literally science.

The New York Times is another essential addition to the adult apartment. It will serve as a statement piece, the statement being that you are in the know. However, you will never read it. Instead, you can keep doing what you’ve been doing — reading your news source of choice on your smartphone whenever something critical occurs — and just casually place the paper in a central location, such as atop your coffee table, for maximum exposure to guests. You don’t have to worry about anyone blowing your cover because no one actually reads the newspaper — it’s kind of like the opposite of sex in that nobody does it, but everybody talks about it. If you don’t believe me, just ask anyone you know to point to a country that doesn’t border the United States and isn’t an island on a map. See? They have no clue what’s happening! To your advantage, not everyone is aware of this yet and just assumes the rest of the world is more in the know than they are. This is hardly the case, but with this method, you’ll have everyone fooled. Try it!

If your apartment needs more stuff, consider books that no one has read cover to cover. Some acceptable choices include vineyard guides, art history and architectural commentaries, and journals of people who existed prior to your birth. The fact that they’re so boring and have no actual storyline will reveal your highly evolved level of patience, a virtue possessed by only a select few adults. If you’ve ever been in a legitimate adult’s home, you know exactly the type of library collection I’m talking about. It’s time to get one of your own. Welcome to the inner circle.

One thing that really sets young adults and actual adults apart is whether or not they possess a set of “good” plates, so you’re going to need some of those. Naturally, you should no longer have any plastic dinnerware, so make sure everything in your cabinets is totally breakable. I don’t know why this detail is important, just that it is. Trust. (Yet another adult virtue! Look at you, maturing by the second.)

Another adult apartment must-have are objects from a foreign land. If you’ve never actually been to a foreign land, a lot of things are made in China and Italy, so it shouldn’t be too hard. Try Pier 1. It’s important that these objects stand out against the rest of your decor, however, and that your apartment doesn’t begin to resemble a museum, as you don’t want to look like a poseur. These objects will no doubt lend credibility to your stories and help solidify your authenticity as a well-traveled, wise individual. If at all possible, attempt to pass these pieces off as “handmade.” A few self-inflicted dents and chips with a hammer should help your story along if anything appears too new or perfect for the handmade thing to fly on its own. To keep nosy people away from discovering your mass-produced secret, be sure to warn them that whatever caught their attention is one-of-a-kind and extremely delicate.

While it’s okay to have a few prints around that can be traced back to your point-and-shoot, it’s vital that you have a large supply of professional photographs of yourself, yourself and your significant other, and yourself and your family throughout your home. Although having professional pictures taken is a widely dreaded event, the fact that you’re showcasing your ability to withstand such torture is one of the ultimate testaments to adulthood. It’s no fun, but true adults know when the party stops.

Finally, never sign a lease on an apartment that does not have a guest bedroom. Having a guest bedroom is perhaps the most imperative accessory an adult apartment can have. It sends a clear message that the days of couch and floor crashing are over. That those who wish to stay overnight must have a prior invitation. That you finally have a castle, and you are its queen. Plus, you’re going to need somewhere to hide all of your embarrassing non-adult things. I suggest under the bed.