To make a long story short, I was starving and I accidentally ended up drunk at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. If you want to do the math, that means I’m drunk right now.

It’s 95 degrees outside. Well, it’s 88 degrees outside, but it said it was 95 degrees outside before my digital thermometer refreshed and that’s what it feels like. I’d been struggling with the idea of going across the street to get Mexican food take-out for about two hours (it’s hot, I’m lazy, and I don’t owe anyone any excuses which is good because these are terrible ones) when finally my stomach finally began digesting itself and I was forced to do something about it, so I went to the restaurant. After phoning my order in ahead, of course. “I don’t like to be kept waiting!” — Hermoine Granger as Bellatrix Lestrange. You know. Or I hope you do, because I don’t.

Anyway, while picking up my meal, I purchased a Coke. A Mexican bottled Coke that doesn’t have a twist-off top. If you’re not completely challenged by life, this probably wouldn’t have been a problem for you, but it quickly became my biggest problem — once I got back to my apartment, I realized there was no way to drink my Coke. And of course I couldn’t find my bottle opener — do you honestly think I put things back in drawers like an adult? Do you even read my blog?

I tried opening it with a lighter and that lasted until I somehow cut three of my fingers.

I was completely sober at the time of injury.

Like I said, life is a challenge for me.

So I had to move on and find something else to drink in the apartment — the Coke was out for obvious reasons and tap water was out because it’s so cloudy it almost looks like skim milk, so I’m pretty sure it’s toxic. My only other option was the lone Shock Top, a beer, nice and frosty nestled in the refrigerator. Of course I drank it!

The thing is, I don’t weigh all that much and I hadn’t eaten in about 36 hours and I was really thirsty. A few gulps and it was gone. A few minutes and I suddenly felt very attractive, so I knew something was up.

If it helps my character at all, I have a very early-morning job and I’ve already clocked in and out for the day.