Flowers are similar to the quintessential five-piece bath and body kit gift — they both say, “I didn’t know what to get you, but this is what girls like, right? Right?”

Why do we reaffirm the second Right? with “awww”s and smiles when we should be asking why? As in, why would you do this to us?

My theory is that women generally hate flowers and men generally hate buying flowers — everyone has some sort of unrealized flower vendetta — but neither group has recognized it yet. Yes, flowers are pretty and cute and smell okay, I guess. But they die, and they die quickly. It’s like giving the gift of a terminally ill puppy. Now, why would you want to do that to someone you love?

I believe that we need to start a movement against flowers.

The average inspired gift of a dozen roses costs between $40 and $60. Again, this is for something with a shelf life that’s shorter than that of a gallon of milk. If you truly want to make me happy, I’ll take the cash. Some people might call money impersonal, but I call it 8-12 footlong BLTs, a far superior gift than some wimpy, wilty flower taking up space on my coffee table and reminding me that it’s dying and that we’re all dying.

Rude.